Navigating the Uncharted Waters of Grief
Below I share 4 Models for understanding and processing grief.
No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. By understanding grief’s uniqueness and its evolving stages, we can find ways to navigate through grief in our own way.
Grief is a deeply personal and profound human experience, and a natural response to loss.
Grief can be experienced through many life changes, including the loss of a loved one (human or animal), or an estranged family member or friend, the end of a significant relationship, the loss of a job, the loss of physical or mental functioning, and the loss experienced when our children leave home.
While grief is something we all share, we are impacted differently depending on the loss we’ve experienced, our life experiences, our temperament and sensitivity, and the meaning we make from it.
As a counsellor who works with many people as they process grief, my approach is tailored to each person, acknowledging the uniqueness of their experience. In this blog, we’ll explore this uniqueness, acknowledging the different emotions and timeframes of grief. We will also look into some of the theories of grief, such as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages, and additional insights and models that have emerged since her pioneering work.
Grief is unique to each of us
Grief is the name we give to the pain we feel in response to a loss, and it can be both emotional and physical. It can last anywhere from hours through to decades, with some losses continuing to feel tender for the rest of our lives.
In this way, grief is not a one-size-fits-all emotion. We are unique individuals who live differently and process emotions differently. Each person's experience of grief is individually shaped by their personal history, relationship with the person, thing, or situation they have lost, and their coping mechanisms.
I want to emphasise there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve; it is a natural response to loss and deserves to be respected for this.
What does grief feel like?
Everybody reacts differently to grief, however there are some feelings that are commonly experienced. These include:
Sadness
Shock
Denial
Numbness and sense of the loss not being real
Anger
Guilt
Blame
Relief
There can also be physical signs of grief, including:
Stomach pain and digestive issues
Changes to appetite (either eating more or less than usual)
Difficulty sleeping or wanting to sleep all the time
Body aches and headaches
Fatigue
Memory challenges (such as forgetting everyday details like your address).
Although the intensity of these experiences tend to lessen over time, there is no one set timeframe for how long you will grieve.
4 models for understanding and processing grief and loss
1. Worden's Tasks of Mourning
Sometimes depicted as the TEAR (acronym) model of grief, Worden suggested there are certain ‘tasks’ we need to move through as we grieve:
T: To accept the reality of the loss: acknowledging and accepting that the loss has occurred. For example, after a death, the reality of the situation may be minimised or even denied. Worden’s model encourages that to complete the first task of grief, the reality of the loss must be fully accepted (both emotionally and cognitively).
E: Experience the pain of the loss: processing the pain by expressing emotions, in all the ways they present, without judgement. Grief involves painful emotions, for example: sadness, anger and guilt. While it can be tempting to avoid these feelings, working through grief involves acknowledging the presence of these emotions and making sense of them.
A: Adjust to a new life without the deceased: this task often includes making practical changes. For example, learning to do things that were done by the other person (cooking, paying bills, organising social outings). There are also emotional adjustments in accepting the change and life without this person. It’s essential to find ways to fill the void left by the loss and when ready begin to seek out new sources of joy, meaning and connection. This can be very difficult, however it is a really important part of moving through grief. It can be helpful to have the support of others as you work through this.
R: Reinvest in our new reality: finding a way to stay connected with the deceased (or what was lost), while at the same time living a fulfilling life. This is a balance of holding onto memories and living in a meaningful way without them physically with you.
2. Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief Model
Lois Tonkin’s model likens grief to a tree that grows around a permanent scar but continues to thrive. It suggests that grief becomes a part of who we are, shaping our lives and our understanding of the world. While grief may never completely go away, it can coexist with you. The size of the grief doesn’t change, it is that we continue to grow, making room for it as we have new life experiences.
‘People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. In reality grief stays the same size but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it.’
See a visual depiction of Tonkin’s model using balls in jars.
Over time, many people find that they are able to live with their grief and make space in their life for other things. Certain places or a familiar scent may bring up memories and sadness, but many find they reach a point where they’re able to let their life flow around their grief rather than being stopped by it.
Neimeyer’s Meaning Making Model of Grief
Robert Neimeyer is a grief expert who introduced a model that focuses on meaning-making in the grieving process. He suggests that we actively construct a new narrative that incorporates the loss into our lives (and as part of our life story). This model recognises that grief involves finding a way to integrate the past with the present and future, and supports individuals to actively engage with their grief, to start to transform the pain into a source of wisdom and growth.
4. The Stages of Grief Model
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a pioneer in understanding grief and introduced the world to the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (DABDA). These stages provided a framework for understanding the emotional journey of grief. It’s important to note that these stages are not experienced in a linear or predictable manner, and not everyone will go through all five stages. This theory has been further evolved, and other theories, such as those above, have since been developed.
The stages are often characterised by:
Denial - avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear
Anger - frustration, irritation, anxiety
Bargaining - struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, telling one’s story
Depression - overwhelmed, helplessness, hostility, flight
Acceptance - exploring new options, new plans in place, moving forward.
Additional Insights and Evolving Stages since Kubler Ross’s work:
Shock and Disbelief (Pre-Denial Stage): Before reaching the Denial stage, many people experience a profound sense of shock and disbelief immediately after a loss. This initial emotional numbness can be seen as a precursor to the more familiar stages (mentioned above).
The Resilience Stage: Some researchers and therapists have suggested an additional stage beyond Acceptance - the Resilience stage. In this stage, individuals not only come to terms with their loss but also find new sources of strength and adaptability. This stage signifies a person's ability to bounce back and continue living a fulfilling life despite their loss.
Meaning-Making (Transformation Stage): Building on Neimeyer's work, this stage involves actively seeking and finding meaning in the midst of grief. It's about creating a new storyline for one's life that incorporates the loss as a catalyst for personal growth and change.
Seeking support for grief and loss
The pain of grief can lead us to withdraw from others, however having the support of other trusted people is an important part of processing grief.
If you have friends and family you’re comfortable to speak with about your grief, it can help to let them know whether you’re seeking advice or a listening ear to share your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people feel awkward because they don’t know what to do to support grief, so by letting them know you’d like to be able to talk out your thoughts and feelings, or that you’d like some practical support (such as some meals prepared), you can receive the support that is helpful to you.
There are also support groups for people experiencing different types of loss. Groups provide peer support and the comfort of not walking the path of grief alone.
If your grief is feeling overwhelming it can also help to speak with a therapist or grief counsellor. An experienced grief counsellor is trained to help you to work through intense emotions and move through any obstacles to your grieving.
As a counsellor experienced in working with grief, I appreciate the confusion, isolation and heaviness that grief can bring with it. I offer 1:1 grief counselling, to support you through your grieving experience. Together, we can work on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies and supports that suit your goals and your lifestyle.
You don’t have to carry your grief alone.
Learn more about my approach to counselling.