You’re Allowed to Have Needs: A Gentle Guide for People-Pleasers and/or Where Family Comes First
You’re Allowed to Have Needs: A Gentle Guide for People-Pleasers and/or Where Family Comes First
If you grew up in a culture or family where caring for others comes first, tuning into your own needs can feel foreign, or even wrong. Many of my clients tell me, ‘I don’t really have needs,’ or ‘Other people have it harder.’ If that’s you, please know this: you do have needs, you’re allowed to have them, and you’re permitted to act on them. You are human and needs are part of the human condition.
Learning this is like strengthening a new muscle. It’s awkward and doesn’t feel right at first, then becomes easier and more natural with practice. Think of the airplane oxygen-mask reminder: put your mask on first. That’s not selfish; it’s safety. When you can breathe, you can care with steadiness and heart.
If you’d like to read more about why this feels so difficult (especially for those raised with strong family-first expectations), see my blog: A Permission Slip to Honour Your Needs, when family always comes first
What is a ‘need’, really?
A need is anything required for you to function, feel safe, and live in alignment with your values. Needs are not luxuries, they are necessities (different to wants). They include:
Body: rest, movement, nourishment, hydration, medication, fresh air, pain relief
Mind: clarity, quiet time, learning, focus, breaks from decision-making
Heart/Relationships: kindness, boundaries, companionship, time alone, being heard
Spirit/Meaning: purpose, reflection, nature, faith, creativity
Practical: help with tasks, time buffers, money admin, transport, childcare coverage
If you’ve focused on others for a long time, identifying your own needs can feel blank or confusing. That’s normal. This is why I’ve put together a Needs Menu resource as a ready reference guide for identifying your needs.
Start small: build the ‘needs’ muscle
We begin with very small, basic needs so it feels safe and doable.
Try this Daily 3 Check (takes 60 seconds):
Body: What would help my body in the next hour? (eg a glass of water, a stretch of my shoulders, or body)
Mind: What would help my focus? (eg, 5 minutes of quiet, writing a quick list)
Heart: What would help me feel steadier? (eg send a kind text, step outside for 3 breaths)
Write your three body/mind/heart needs on a sticky note and honour at least one today.
A gentle permission:
You’re allowed to meet a need of yours before helping someone else.
A 7-Step Needs Practice (how we work on this together)
1) Identify the need
Clues live in your body and emotions: tight jaw → need for pause; irritation → need for space or help; foggy head → need for water or rest.
Prompt: ‘Right now, what would help me most?’ (Keep it tiny and immediate.)
2) Acknowledge the need
Silently name it: ‘I need a 10-minute breather’.
This simple acknowledgement softens self-doubt and builds awareness.
3) Validate the need (self-talk that affirms)
Use warm, matter-of-fact language:
‘It’s okay that I need this’.
‘Caring for me supports everyone I care for’.
4) Act or make time for it
Take a small step now, or schedule it. New behaviour may feel awkward or ‘selfish’. That’s just unfamiliarity, not truth.
Tiny actions: drink water; say ‘I can do that after lunch’; put your phone down for 5 minutes; close the door for a call; eat a proper snack.
5) Practice (repeat to get comfortable)
Repetition rewires the habit from ‘others first’ to ‘include me too’. Track one small need you honoured each day this week.
6) Communicate needs to others, consciously
Before you say yes, use this awareness tool:
’If I say yes to their request, am I saying no to a need of mine?’
Either choice is okay. If you do choose others first, make it conscious:
’I’m choosing their need this time while I learn to honour mine more often’.
Helpful scripts:
‘I can help after 3pm. I need the next hour to finish something important’.
‘I won’t be able to take that on this week. I’m at capacity’.
‘I’ll join for 30 minutes; then I need to rest’.
7) No more apologising for needs
Drop the reflexive “sorry.” Try clear, respectful statements (boundary phrases):
Instead of ‘Sorry, could I maybe…?’ → ‘I need a quiet hour now; I’ll be available at 2’.
Instead of ‘Sorry for the trouble’. → ‘Thanks for understanding’.
‘Isn’t this selfish?’ (normalising the wobble for feeling guilty)
It’s common to feel guilty at first. Guilt is a sign you’re crossing from an old pattern into a healthier one. Guilt is not proof you’re doing something wrong. You’re not abandoning your values of generosity and family; you’re including you in your circle of care.
A simple path to begin this week
Choose one daily micro-need (water, stretch, fresh air, snack, 5 quiet minutes).
Use one boundary phrase from the scripts above.
Note one conscious choice where you said yes to someone or yes to yourself, without judgment.
Examples across life roles
Carer: ‘I’m stepping out for 15 minutes to sit in the sun; I’ll be back to make lunch’.
Workplace: ‘I can review that tomorrow morning. Today I’m finishing a deadline’.
Busy parent: ‘I’ll drop you off, and I need 20 minutes afterward before I’m available again’.
A short ‘Needs Menu’ to keep handy - common sense needs -
Water • Proper meal • Stretch/short walk • 10 silent breaths
Clear plan for the next hour • Ask for help • Say “not today”
Door closed for a call • Earlier bedtime • One screen-free block
Nature pause • Music break • Kind check-in with a friend
Light admin (pay bill, book appointment) you’ve been avoiding
Pick one. Honour it. Repeat tomorrow.
For a full Needs Menu with the ‘how to’ of communicating this check out my Needs Menu (including a how-to guide).
Final word (your permission slip)
You have permission to have needs. You have permission to act on them. Meeting your needs doesn’t reduce your love or commitment; it sustains them. Remember the aeroplane analogy - oxygen mask first; always. Then, once you’re safe and breathing (steady and resourced), you can offer the kind of care you value, to others, without burning out.
And please remember, some of these ideas may seem simple however this doesn’t mean acting on them is easy. It is absolutely okay to reach out for support with this. Please do get in touch if I can help you with identifying your needs and taking steps toward expressing them - first to yourself, then to those you interact with.