A Permission Slip to Honour Your Needs, when Family Always Comes First
A Permission Slip to Honour Your Needs, when Family Always Comes First
If you grew up with strong family pressures and expectations, putting yourself first can feel disloyal or selfish. I want you to know it isn’t. You have permission to put your needs first; at least some of the time. Caring for you is part of caring for others.
If this feels new or awkward, that’s because it’s unfamiliar, or you haven’t seen others do this. It may help to remember the aeroplane analogy of putting your oxygen mask on first, to be able to have the ‘oxygen’ - the energy, patience, and tolerance, to meet family expectations or demands. By doing this you are better equipped to think clearly, and make a fully informed, values-aligned decision about what’s appropriate and acceptable for you in each situation.
You’re not the only one
If you were raised to put family first - always - there is nothing wrong with you (you’re not broken) for needing quiet, space, or time out. You are human. I have manny clients who feel torn between the love for their family and the impact this is taking on their health. With small, kind and respectful changes, you can became less stressed by family demands and more able to live by your own values, alongside family dynamics.
Including yourself in your circle of care is critical to sustain your care for others, for the long haul. It may be a new idea to you; it may feel hard, and that’s okay.
Why this feels so hard (and why that’s absolutely normal)
Culture & duty: In many cultures, caring for family is central to a person’s identity, duty, and moral obligation to put family first. Having, or naming your own needs can feel like breaking a rule, or being disrespectful.
Fear of shame or loss: Concerns about; ‘Will I be judged, shamed, or pushed away?’ is a common and makes sense.
Uncertainty: Changing what you’ve always done is scary; you can’t yet see the other side. How will others react or respond if I start behaving differently; putting my needs into the equation.
Old habits stick: When you’ve practised over-giving for many years, saying ‘I need…’ can feel awkward, or even selfish.
It’s normal for this to feel wobbly: There may be some guilt show up when you’re building this new, healthier behaviour. Can you think of that guilt as a sign of learning, not wrongdoing?
If nothing changes… what’s the cost?
Physical: fatigue, headaches, poor sleep, tension, flare ups of illnesses
Mental: fog, anxiety, irritability, overthinking
Emotional: resentment, numbness, tearfulness, feeling unseen, feeling misunderstood
Relational: saying yes while your body is saying no; you snapping later to something unrelated; growing distance from others as you become exhausted or resentful, or unable to keep showing up.
Loving your family and honouring your needs is not mutually exclusive. Both can co-exist, and this is better for everyone in the long run.
Two psychological tools to bring insight
1) Take the Pros & Cons Lens
Keeping the old pattern (always say yes)
Pros: predictable, avoids conflict, meets expectations
Cons: burnout, resentment, health costs, less patience, less joy, your life on hold
Choosing a new pattern (= include your needs)
Pros: more energy, more sustainable care, clearer decisions, self-respect, modelling healthy boundaries (especially relevant if you have children watching on)
Cons: early friction or resistance to your new behaviour, the guilt wobbles, pushback while others adjust to you including yourself in the scenario
2) The Friend Test
If your dearest friend were exhausted, would you advise them to keep over-giving? Or suggest they may need to rest, to set some limits, and to be honest with themselves, and others? Can you offer yourself the same care that you would offer to this friend?
Changing the family dance
Family relationships are like a dance you’ve all practised together. When you change your dance steps (what you say or do), there’s often friction as it doesn’t flow as it usually does:
Some partners naturally adjust and meet your new rhythm.
Others resist because the old dance was easier or familiar for them.
Your job is to keep repeating your new step, kindly and consistently, so as not to confuse your dance partner. Over time, repeated experiences help others adapt. It’s important to stay clear (of this new way of being) - as Brene Brown says ‘Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind’. Be kind by being clear. Be clear by being consistent with your new ‘dance step’/expectations or boundaries.
Try this script (being gentle and clear):
’I love being there for everyone, but I’ve realised I can’t pour from an empty cup. I’m learning to take space when I need it. Sometimes that might look like a quiet weekend or switching off my phone for a few hours. It’s my way of making sure I can keep showing up with love.’
Experiment with behaviour change:
If speaking your needs overtly is too challenging, start with some behaviour swaps.
Instead of: Dropping everything when someone calls or needs something.
Try: Finishing what you’re doing first, then responding when you have space. This models that your needs matter too (to yourself just as much as to your loved ones).
Instead of: Keeping the peace by avoiding saying what you really need.
Try: Naming your need calmly and early (e.g., ‘I’ll need a quiet morning tomorrow’) rather than letting resentment build.
Where to start (small, respectful experiments)
Name one non-negotiable need this week (eg 30 minutes of quiet after work; a weekly walk alone).
Set a simple boundary around that need.
Expect the wobble (guilt, worry) and keep your step.
Review gently with yourself: What helped? What needs adjusting?
Your ‘oxygen mask’ ideas you can use today
A 10-minute sit in the sun before the next request comes through
‘I can help after 3pm’ with optional ‘I’m taking 30 minutes now to rest.’
One screen-free hour before bed
A planned pause after family visits - to reset
A meal and water before saying yes to anything else - to recharge
Communicating with respect, and cultural sensitivity
Anchor to shared values and be clear:
Acknowledge the value: ‘Our family looks after each other. I respect that.
Name your limit (even if just to yourself at first) without apology: ‘I won’t be able to do that tonight; I’m at capacity.’
Offer a clear alternative: ‘I can come tomorrow morning instead.’
Use gratitude instead of sorry: ‘Thanks for understanding.’
Some more helpful phrases:
‘I can help for one hour; then I need to rest.’
‘I’ll organise x, and I’ll need y to be handled by someone else.’
Internally to yourself - ‘I’m saying no to this so I can say yes to my health.’
When guilt and fear show up
Label it: ‘This is new pattern guilt, not proof I’m doing something wrong.’
Anchor to values: ‘I’m doing this to be well and to love well; today and for the long term.’
Self-talk that steadies: ‘Caring for me is part of caring for my family.’
Breathe: inhale 4, exhale 6, repeat for a minute. This helps to reduce sympathetic activation and increase parasympathetic activation - to be in a calm, socially engaged nervous system state.
A quick decision tool (to use in the moment)
Ask yourself, ‘If I say yes to their request, am I saying no to a need of mine?’
Either choice is okay, it’s about making it conscious. If you choose others first this time, name it:
’I’m choosing their need today, and I’ll be sure to make time for my needs tomorrow.’
Your new narrative
By caring for myself I am not disrespecting my family. This allows me to create a steadier, kinder (more resourced) rhythm where my sensitivity is protected and my generosity can be sustained.
Affirmations
My needs matter. or My needs matter too.
Including me helps everyone.
It’s okay to feel wobbly while I learn.
I can be loving and have limits.
Small, consistent steps change the dance.
It can be easy to read this and understand it yet very difficult to implement or make these changes on your own. That’s what I’m here for - to work with you 1:1 and help you to customise this theory to your situation and support you with specific changes that you can make based on what is bothering you the most and what is easiest to start with. Feel free to reach out to work with me on this.
You can also read my blog on practical ways to identify your own needs and begin meeting them in safe, everyday steps: You’re Allowed to Have Needs.
For some further ideas on what your needs may look like, here’s a ‘Needs Menu’ to read through as you get the hang of what your needs are - identifying them can take some pratice.